The year 2019 has been the worst of my years in my life so far!
As the year comes to an end, this belief has strengthened itself into a fact. And I have no shame, or doubt in admitting that a lot of the shit that got dumped on me was because of my faults alone. Take for example the following rant from a very close friend of mine,
Do you know why everyone stays quiet when you are talking—it’s not because you’re some good speaker or you say things that make sense. It is because you are a naive, unsocial, conversationally self-righteous cripple who would say anything without a second thought to prove that he’s correct.
So, everyone finds it easier to just hear and forget your words, than to get into a worthless discussion with you!
Needless to say, it’s a very toned down version of the actual passage, and that the ‘close friend’ count came down after that. Yes, I did say some shitty things to and about some people. Yes, they were completely baseless, and I was thoughtlessly poking into matters not concerning me.
Trouble is, I was too late to realize it.
This is not an apology, in case the people concerned are reading this. I know an apology will not cut it, and frankly, it’ll probably only waste their time. It’s just an acknowledgement that I did wrong, and it fucked me up. What am I going to do about it? I’ll try to get my mind out of the gutter, that’s it.
I can recount many incidents spread throughout the last 12 months. Incidents, that consolidate the fact that I have never been competent enough when it comes to interacting with my own kind, interacting with people. Incidents, that show that somewhere, deep down, I am a twisted, self-obsessed, inconsiderate idiot.
But, here’s the catch!
After being “unofficially” diagnosed with Anti-Social Personality Disorder (sociopathy), losing bonds that I care for too much, being consciously aware that I am not behaving in a normal human sense, and after the realization that originality is not my strong suite, I feel that quite a few things need to be set right.
And now that I have reproached myself enough and realized that things need to change, all that remains is the implementation of the right thing.
I started this blog A Universe Within after deleting my old one. It was meant as a place to reflect upon my own self as a person. So far, it has helped a lot, my readers have helped a lot. And I hope, that it will continue to help just like this.
At the risk of being too artsy, I’m saying to myself on this last day of a year badly spent,
The Universe Within needs to be cleaned up. And I choose it to be better than before. How long it’ll take is a matter for later consideration, but stagnation will not be accepted anymore.
I choose not to be scared of this devil within anymore. I choose to not let it cause any more damage than it has already done. From this point forward, in this new year, I choose to be more careful, and less impulsive. From this point forward, I choose to explore how to be a better version of myself.
Wishing for and working towards a better coming year!
And on that note, I’d also like to wish you all a very happy coming new year too. You all have been so good in the past two months, and I would love to share my story with you all. Will you be a part of my Universe Within?